Transitions

We moved my mother-in-law in to a senior living apartment. The entire family worked long and hard on a Saturday afternoon, moving furniture, packing up glassware, dishes and clothes, while my mother-in-law spent the day with her great grandchildren. She had known for weeks this day was coming but it was no less painful for her and for us.

When we had the apartment all set up, pictures on the wall, dishes in the cupboard, furniture all in order, TV and phone hooked up, my son and I brought her to her new home. This was a traumatic moment. She was so heartbroken, frightened and desperate. She refused to go and threatened to get out of the car if we didn't stop. My son was so gentle with her. He placed his hands on her shoulders and very quietly asked her to close the car door. The tender moment between grandson and grandmother brought tears and despair. The reality was overwhelming and she finally had to face weeks of denial. 

It is difficult to move away from your home under the most ordinary of circumstances. Despite the advice of her doctor, her family and friends, my mother-in-law refused to admit the time had come when she was no longer able to keep up the pretense of taking care of herself. For the past few years, I have been handling her finances, bringing her food, cleaning the house and taking care of the yard. We tried a housekeeper and she refused. She would become dehydrated and weak from not eating healthy and ended up in the hospital. Falling several times, the last time ended up with her in the hospital for a month. And yet, she still refused to accept help or move in with us. Her short term memory loss was becoming more of a concern. Decisions had to be made.

I doubt she will ever forgive us for moving her to a modified independent apartment. But the family is relieved that she is able to take care of herself in this beautiful smaller living space overlooking the river. It was our concerted belief that she was fighting the loss of her independence and our one goal was to preserve as much of her self reliance as possible. Perhaps what she really is angry about is loss of control. Hopefully on day she will recognize all of this is in her control. To be happy is a choice. She is surrounded by active seniors who are happy as clams in their new digs, free of the obligations of taking care of a big house and able to enjoy life again.

We are three weeks into this transition and although she has moved pictures around, she still refuses to join the activities or have dinner (they only serve one meal a day) there. Tough love is in order. Whether it is Alzheimer's, or the effects of old age, the caring for our parents is a challenge we all face. Sharing the experience helps us to feel less alone and more understanding of both sides of life. The journey continues. Where are you on the path? 

Images: Flckr image by baacker2009