When Fine is Good Enough

The other day a friend came up and asked how I was doing. Before I could answer, she smiled and said she wondered how many times a day I heard that question and that I was probably sick of answering it. One of the hardest things about cancer is putting on that brave face every morning as if it were part of your make-up routine. You develop a pat answer to dodge the question but more to make the person feel good when they walk away. My stock answer is "still standing" or "everyday out of bed, is a good day."

It is incredibly hard for people to walk the delicate line between, I want to know how you are feeling but I am afraid to know how you are feeling. Even as a cancer survivor, I still question every little ache or pain and if I am in pain, I don't want it to affect those around me, so why would I tell someone how I feel. My friend, Heidi, called me stoic. It sounded cold and isolated. But I understand that as hard as it is to ask how someone feels, it is just as hard to answer that question, ergo the stock answer, rather than admit our vulnerability. 

The clinical trial is going well, from my perspective. There are definite changes to my body but since I haven't felt on top of my game for over a year, it is a bit of a process of elimination to know what is from the trial drug, the cancer, stress from work and caregiving aka LIFE! It is important to Dr Anderson that I peel away the layers of life and focus on any changes that are directly related to the drug. My gut literally tells me, the changes are real, hopefully temporary and although a daily distraction, not nearly as devastating as the chemo.

I have found wearing loose clothing helps. Dr Anderson believes that some of the gut pain issues are related to the original surgery healing process and not related to the cancer or the drug. It was the same after my mastectomy 25 years ago. Anything pressing or touching against the surgical area is either painful or very uncomfortable. Short of being naked, which believe me would not be an attractive look on me, I am trying to find clothing that eases me through the work day, until I get into the comfort of a pair of sweats.

My appetite is down and a general sense of fatigue, but not to the level of slowing me down. I am more aware of it and try to eat sensibly and more often, and come home for an hour or so for lunch to rest. For cancer survivors, the word "fine" is a good definition for the coping skills we have learned to acquire. We are fine. So please, don't be shy about asking us how we feel. There is no such thing as denial for someone going through cancer. It is a daily preoccupation and you - friends, family, co-workers are all welcome and loving distractions. Sometimes fine is good enough for now.

It is okay to be vulnerable. If you have questions or know someone who is struggling, feel free to leave a comment. We are in this together.